Gretchen Rubin book https://gretchenrubin.com/books/the-four-tendencies/

Excerpts

1: The Four Tendencies

The simple, decisive question was: “How do you respond to expectations?” I’d found it!

we all face two kinds of expectations:

• outer expectations—expectations others place on us, like meeting a work deadline
• inner expectations—expectations we place on ourselves, like keeping a New Year’s resolution

Once I’d identified the framework, I worked to deepen my understanding. “The Strategy of the Four Tendencies” became the first chapter in Better Than Before, my book about habit change; I wrote about the Four Tendencies on my website, gretchenrubin.com

the Four Tendencies describes only one narrow aspect of a person’s character—a vitally important aspect, but still just one of the multitude of qualities that form an individual. The Four Tendencies explain why we act and why we don’t act.

• Upholder
• Questioner
• Obliger
• Rebel

The happiest, healthiest, most productive people aren’t those from a particular Tendency, but rather they’re the people who have figured out how to harness the strengths of their Tendency, counteract the weaknesses, and build the lives that work for them.

Rebel: “You can’t make me, and neither can I”

9: Understanding the Rebel: “It’s so hard when I have to, and so easy when I want to”

Rebels resist all expectations, outer and inner alike. They want to do what they want to do, in their own way and in their own time, and if someone asks or tells them to do something, they resist. They don’t even want to tell themselves what to do—they resist expectations imposed from within as vigorously as those imposed from without.

Rebels aren’t persuaded by arguments such as

They’re much more apt to respond to being told “This will be fun,” “This is what you want,” “I’m feeling anxious about this, do you think you can do it?” “This feels really important to me, what do you think?” Rebels can do anything they want to do.

Of the Four Tendencies, Rebel has the fewest members. It’s a conspicuous group but a small one.

Strengths (and Weaknesses)

Rebels tend to enjoy meeting challenges, when they can meet those challenges in their own way.

Rebels also take great pleasure in defying people’s expectations.

I’ve met several Rebel couples where the wife is the breadwinner... maybe, it occurs to me, these men are Rebels who aren’t bothered by the social convention that they should earn more than their wives—and, in the Rebel way, they don’t feel much inclination to help out by doing boring, routine chores around the house, either. It’s not a matter of masculinity, it’s a matter of Tendency.

Rebels place a very high value on authenticity and self-determination, and want their lives to be a true expression of their values

Rebels like to establish their own, often idiosyncratic, way of doing things

Rebels often do better when there are no expectations at all

Rebels have shown me that we’re more free than we think

Rebels often frustrate others (and themselves).

Rebels resist just about anything they perceive to be an attempt at control—something as simple as a ringing telephone, a party invitation, or a standing meeting. This reaction happens even when they realize that their resistance is self-destructive, counterproductive, or contrary to their own desires. A Rebel told me, “Sugar makes me sick, but sometimes I think, ‘I’m going to eat sugar,’ because I refuse to accept the idea that I can’t do something.”

In their determination to be free, Rebels may end up being controlled

Rebellion is the opposite of compliance, but rebellion is not freedom.

Rebels resist doing repetitive, boring tasks—such as taking out the garbage or filing expense reports—unless the consequences become serious enough.

Many Rebels mention that they use automatic bill paying, and when they can afford it, they often pay to outsource routine obligations

When another Rebel friend attends mandatory meetings, he does crossword puzzles on his iPad—conspicuously. The organization can make him come to the meeting, but they can’t make him listen.

Although Rebels resist any expectations imposed on them, some Rebels feel quite comfortable imposing their expectations on others.

Several people have told me that they call themselves a “Reluctant Rebel.” They may feel isolated or frustrated; they may get embroiled in conflict

How Others Can Influence Rebels to Meet an Expectation

Rebels respond best to a sequence of information, consequences, and choice.

Even when they initially push back when someone says "It's your choice, but have you considered....?", they often end up incorporating that information into their decision-making.

For information-consequences-choice to work, it's crucial that Rebels do indeed suffer unpleasant consequences.

How Rebels Can Influence Themselves to Meet an Expectation

Rebels seek to follow their own will, yet they’re often undone by their own willfulness

Following a schedule and making plans can feel like obligations to resist—even if the plan is something the Rebel wants to do

Because Rebels place great value on being true to themselves, they can embrace a habit if they view it as a way to express their identity

A Rebel identity can also be shaped by a negative—Rebels may choose to master habits because of who they don’t want to be.

Rebels use ingenious ways to avoid igniting their spirit of resistance—often by introducing an element of game, challenge, or choice.

The Rebel dislike of constraint can be a positive force, enabling Rebels to resist cigarette smoking, junk food, alcohol, technology, or anything else that starts to feel addictive or confining or controlling.

When I was trying to follow a diet, I’d sometimes think, “I can’t do what I want,” and that would make me rebel against it. Now I think the reverse: “I can do whatever I want, and what I want is to eat this new way.”

I view unhealthy food as something corporations try to push on us

I file my taxes on time because hassling with the IRS is more trouble than it’s worth, which I learned from experience

Why Rebels May Be Drawn to Lives of High Regulation

such as the military, the police, large corporations, and religious communities

For some Rebels, this reflects a deep need for purpose

Also, many Rebels get their energy and direction from pushing back, and highly regulated environments supply Rebels with rules to ignore

10: Dealing with a Rebel: “You’re not the boss of me”

Dealing with a Rebel at Work

Although Rebels generally don’t take orders or directions well, some Rebels work well with others when they themselves are in charge

Dealing with a Rebel Spouse—and the Pattern of the Rebel/Obliger Couple

Dealing with a Rebel Child

The fact is, though parents, teachers, and coaches often want to push Rebels, that’s a very counterproductive strategy

It’s possible to make a child do something, of course, by establishing consequences that are sufficiently dire—but that’s very difficult to enforce over the long run.

So what does work? The same formula that works with adults: information, consequences, choice—with no nagging or badgering.

let him make a decision and act without telling you

Because Rebel children are likely to resist if an adult asks or tells them to do something, it’s very important to pay attention to language and to avoid anything that smacks of an order. To a parent, saying, “Honey, tell Aunt Jane what a nice time you had” may not seem like a command—but it is.

Rebels respond much better when an action is framed in terms of choice, freedom, and self-expression instead of constraint and duty

With Rebels, it’s crucial to be frank about the consequences of not meeting an expectation—and to allow them to experience those consequences

Also, Rebels are powerfully motivated by identity, so it can be helpful to tie an action to an identity that the child values

Dealing with a Rebel Patient or Health Client

This pattern can be very frustrating for people trying to help Rebels with health issues; well-intentioned advice, encouragement, reminders, and admonitions may push Rebels into doing the opposite of what would be good for them

Rebels resist even the rules that they try to impose on themselves. One Rebel college student explained, “I’m struggling with extra weight, but the minute I make a rule about eating at night, I start eating more at night.

Another Rebel figured out a clever way to work around this kind of self-resistance: “If I want to eat healthy, I’ll eat the chocolate or the ‘bad’ thing first thing. I show myself, ‘I won the war, I do what I want!’ And the rest of the day, I feel free from rebelling against me telling me what to do.”

information, consequences, and choice

An appeal to choice, freedom, and pleasure works with Rebels: This drug/diet/exercise routine/daily habit will make you feel better, give you more energy, take away pain, prove interesting, improve performance, enhance your sex life, give you the life you want. A nutritionist could say, “One client found that when he gave up sugar, he had more stamina, and his tennis game improved.”

Maybe your Rebel husband can change his way of thinking about quitting smoking.

• Rebels hate to be trapped, constrained. So view smoking as a trap: “I’m chained by addiction; I’m helpless without my cigarettes.”
• Rebels hate to be exploited: “I’m pouring money right into the pockets of the big tobacco companies.”
• Rebels want to express their identity. “I’m a nonsmoker. That’s the person I choose to be. That’s what I want.”
• Rebels value pleasure. “It will be so great to wake up without a hacking cough and bad breath, to feel more energetic, and not to huff and puff when I walk up the stairs.”
• Rebels value freedom. “In places like office buildings or airports, they order me around, telling me where I have to go if I want to smoke.”
• Rebels like to do things in their own way: instead of following a standard cessation program, he could come up with his own way to quit.
• NOTE: For Rebels, there’s always the “I’ll show you” gambit. “Honey, I think quitting smoking may just be too tough to do. Those cigarettes have really got their hooks into you. I don’t think you’ll ever be able to quit. Maybe you should give up trying.”

Choosing a Career as a Rebel

Rebels often seek out careers that give them the flexibility to choose their work, set their own schedules, and avoid having to answer to other people. I’ve heard from many Rebels about how they strive to create situations where every day is different, with no set expectations from others.

Rebels often thrive in a situation where they’re given a challenge and allowed to meet it in their own way. Perhaps that’s why many Rebels gravitate toward sales—because in sales, actual results tend to be the thing that matters the most

Similarly, in creative industries, results count for the most

At the same time, as noted earlier, Rebels may be drawn to areas of high regulation, like the police, the military, and the clergy.